knuckles deep

WALL SQUID

2009-03-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

3.16.09

holy crap today was the best day ever. knuckles deep received THREE gifts today. one of which prompts the long awaited return of this dynamic blog.

yeah. art director, aislinn b. palmer, got me (well, she got one, too) this super awesome giant squid wall decal. i put it in my bathroom and it is hella tits.

behold:

jealous?

so, anyway, today was pretty much the best day ever. now to get ready for get loweded.

we love you and have missed you. happy almost spring, you twats.

BEST GIFT

2009-01-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

1.5.09

i'll keep this short. art director, aislinn b. palmer, got me the BEST GIFT for christmas. why yes, it is a long sleeved joose t-shirt. and yes, it did come with a variety of joose stickers and temporary tattoos. jealous?! thought so.

(this is my excited face)

happy fucking new year from knuckles deep. happy birthday to knuckles deep co-spokesmom. happy birthday to joh. happy birthday to sam. happy birthday to jeff lee.

love,

the knuckes deep team.

RAPE TALK

2008-12-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

12.23.08

happy hoe-lidays from knuckles deep! we took a long break there and we apologize from the cockles of our hearts.

for this special and possibly most offensive entry yet, i asked art director, aislinn b. palmer, to take on the task of our holiday entry. behold............RAPE TALK!

If an alien race were to study humans by following Dana around for a day, they would think that the words "jew," "anal," "rape," "cunt," and "abortion" were anchors of the English language. This is why it should come as no surprise that yesterday, during our snow-day shopping spree, the conversation turned to an intensive discussion of which would be worse: getting raped or losing a finger. The question was posed in the café inside of Macy’s, at a small table overlooking the perfume department, and may or may not have been overheard by a teenage girl eating with her mother.
I maintained that I’d rather be GHB-raped than lose any finger (I wouldn’t remember it, just feel dirty and violated), but I’d rather lose a pinky finger than be violently, consciously raped, because that would probably cause flashbacks and stuff. If it was a question of losing a more important finger, like an index finger, that is a harder choice.
Dana claimed that any type of rape was better than losing any finger, or toe, because her hands and feet are so pretty. And the loss of any finger might compromise her accordion skills.
The world is better off for this conversation having taken place. Happy Holidays.

SEXY KIDS

2008-09-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

9.4.08

oh, apologies. as previously stated, knuckles deep was really, super busy, then art director, aislinn b. palmer, went on vacation to maine which was totally aids, because work was ass.

we make our triumphant return with 'sexy kids'. when knuckles deep was taking suggestions for a new band name, art director, aislinn b. palmer, suggested the epic 'sexy kids'. while i adored this name and found it ridiculously hilarious and inappropriate, i knew it wasn't going to fly with the other members (we ended up going with 'the last great fire' and we're playing friday, sept. 12 at conor byrne in ballard, do it!).

knuckles deep does not condone pedophilia, kiddie porn, luring children into creepy vans with promises of jesus juice and candy, statutory rape or uncles touching you funny.........though we certainly find all of these things pretty funny. we do, however, condone the comedy central show 'reality bites back'.

apologies are in order.

2008-08-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

8.22.08

knuckles deep has been very, very busy this last week. and when knuckles deep gets busy (not in the biblical sense), knuckles deep gets cuntly and feels as though she doesn't have time for frivolous activities like writing things on her hands.

however, craziness has subsided and come tuesday (i have monday off), things should be back to normal. well, till wednesday at least. then art director, aislinn b. palmer, goes on vacation for a week. totally aids!

anyway, sorry to all (especially knuckles deep spokesmom, kathy, who finds this the only way to know what her daughter is up to these days......sheesh!).

come tuesday, it's on.

also, knuckles deep encourages you to go to www.myspace.com/thelastgreatfire

music to come soon. take your darlings of the lofi (knuckles deep's previous spokesband) love and redirect it there, as they are the new knuckles deep spokesband. thanks.

have a fun and safe weekend, we'll see you tuesday.

here's a picture of my parents cat wearing fake antlers:

NAME IDEA

2008-08-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

8.8.08

without going into too much detail, darlings of the lofi have had a change of lineup and are no longer. we're in the process of trying to come up with a new band name and any and all suggestions are welcome.

happy weekend from knuckles deep. be safe. see you monday.

ROSS DALE

2008-08-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

8.7.08

i'm going to the showbox tonight to see gavin rossdale of bush fame. jealous?! no? that's cool. i'm going because it's free. and carrie and scott are fun. i didn't even like bush back in the day. being free is almost not even a good enough reason to go to this show. but, making fun of the people that are there because they really want to be is.

note the look of discomfort and non-excitement. that wasn't a mistake. and if you attempt to make fun of my rad sunglasses (with rad sunglass 'string') you're a turd.

SHIT HEAD

2008-08-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

8.6.08

in case you hadn't noticed, last week (or the week before) was new phone book time in the greater seattle area. when the new phone book comes, i always watch 'the jerk'. 'the jerk' is definitely in my top ten movies of all time. anyway, that's why today's message is shit head. and if you don't understand why, then stop being a tard and watch 'the jerk'. it will make your special purpose tingle.

KENT TIME

2008-08-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

8.1.08

sorry about yesterday's lack of post. busy busy in the offices of knuckles deep come the end of the month.

august is going to be all about kent. i'm spending the upcoming weekend in kent with stacy. spending the weekends in kent with stacy was a pretty frequent happening back in the glory days of angel working the 'roke down at the virginia. drink and sing all night at a crappy old man bar, back to stacy's apartment for malt liquor in the hot tub (clothing optional!), sleep, sleep, sleep and wake up in the a.m. to go get safeway chinese food, pray for a top model marathon, take a nap and do it all over again. it was awesome. so when i was invited to stay out there this weekend, i said 'sure thing!'. i'm hoping we find time to go see stepbrothers and take kent on by storm like in the days of yore.

for the last 3 weeks of august, my parents (who live in kent) will be out of town, which means i'm on weekend duty to feed frannie. housesitting for my parents used to be wicked awesome before i finally got around to getting cable at my house. oh well, i'm sure they will have some good food in the freezer and my mom never lets me down on the mikes hard lemonade tip. rad. oh and they just remodeled the bathroom leaving it with what is supposed to be a completely off the hizzle jacuzzi tub. aces.

happy weekend from knuckles deep and be safe. don't drink too much at seafair, go oberto! (you're welcome, dan). if you're in the ballard area on saturday night, go to conor byrne and check out guthrie scarr, he's awesome. and pretty.

SICK CATS

2008-07-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

7.30.08

knuckles deep spokescat is having bathroom problems. i should be excited to have such an advanced cat that knows how to empathize with me and my plumbing/lady part issues.

all last night, kevin was making frequent trips to the litter box, but to no avail. in fact, she's back in there now trying to 'go'. it's actually really sad to see her in there trying to make some magic happen but not getting any love. luckily, my neighbor, tammy, is a veterinarian. at 930 i knocked on tammy's door to ask her about our problem. poor tammy was in her bathrobe about to get in the tub, but she was nice enough to come up to my place and take a look at kevtronic. she said that it was probs a UTI and that i needed to take her to the vet to get some meds. unfortch, tammy no longers works in a private vet office, so she was unable to score me the goods.

when i got to work this morning, i started doing some calls and pricing to find out how much this was going to set me back. the first few places i called left me with 'quotes' in the $150-200 range. that's when i started crying. no joke. see, i love my cat more than i love most people and by golly if $200 was what it was going to take, then so be it. except for the fact that i don't have $200. anyway, i dried my eyes, blew my nose and continued in my plight for a cheaper option. that's when i remember the animal clinic of roxbury. i had taken kev there once a few years ago and while their office is a little old (and ridiculously hot!), the doctor is really nice and they're very reasonably priced. called them, was told that it shouldn't be more than $50-60 to take care of the issue, so i made an appointment.

we just got back from the vet and kevin was a pure delight. i kid. she was a total cunt, but, she didn't bite or scratch anyone, so i guess all in all the trip was a success. also, the visit AND her antibiotics cost me less than $50. fuckin w00t!

knuckles deep would like to thank dan and becky for the use of their cat carrier and the animal clinic of roxbury for being so friendly and cheap.

WOMB PAIN

2008-07-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

7.29.08
last week, here at knuckles deep, we dipped our toes into the ocean of issues in the world. today we bring up another pressing and important topic: birth control.

i would like to make the following disclaimer: i will try to keep the graphic nature of this post as it pertains to my lady parts at a minimum. continue at your own risk.

i got to go to the lady doctor yesterday to have my IUD removed and replaced. it is about 20 minutes of ridiculous discomfort and pain that comes with the end result of 5 years of baby-free living. as if the terrible-ness of the procedure itself wasn't enough, for the next few days my uterus will be as angry as that one time i threw kevin in the bathtub just to see how she would react (not well is the answer, not well at all). also, i'm enjoying the hilarity of an after care sheet that tells me to 'not put anything in my vagina for the next two days'. not 'refrain from sexual intercourse' or something a little more medicinal sounding. simply, 'don't put anything in your vagina'. it doesn't get any more succint than that i suppose. they should probably suggest some alternatves, like anal or h.j.'s.

moral of the story: ladies, don't get pregnant. dudes, don't get ladies pregnant. and while i may bitch about my womb/uterus/cervix for the next couple days, it's ultimately worth it. because i won't be getting knocked up any time soon. and that is awesome because babies are gross.

knuckles deep would also like to remind you that IUD's, the birth control pill/patch, norplant, depo et al. do not prevent the contraction of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. please, use a condom.

FISH BOAT

2008-07-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

7.28.08

art director, aislinn b. palmer's brother, dylan, has been working on a fish boat in alaska for the last 6 weeks. he came home on friday. knuckles deep would like to use today to say 'welcome home douche nozzle!!'.

sorry

2008-07-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

7.24.08 were there an installment of knuckles deep today, the phrase would have been 'SHIT MOOD'. because that's what i was in until about 4pm, leaving me feeling absolutely apathetic and with a creativity level of -4.

also, knuckles deep is taking a 3 day weekend, as aislinn is lucky enough to have the day off tomorrow. totally aids.

see you all monday.

TEEN WOLF

2008-07-23T21:18:00.001-07:00

7.23.08 first off, aislinn and i had a hard time coming up with todays phrase. i think it was partially due to being very busy at work and also, the pressure of pleasing our followers. anywho, aislinn had brought up a few funny ones that i wasn't quite sure you all were ready for, and out of the ideas she had, she morphed them into 'teen wolf'.

i liked teen wolf, because i have a funny story about this movie (even though it really has nothing to do with the actual movie). also, i'd like to make the disclaimer that i'm not sure 'teen wolf' was the movie in this story, i have an inkling that it might have been 'back to the future I'. i mean really, they're both MJF, although, B2F does feature music by the incredible (and jewish) huey lewis and the news, while teen wolf just has beach boys. gross.

this is one of those things where you probably had to be there or at least hear the story in person for it to by funny, but trust me it was hilarious. hilarious! hilarious. (anyone who got the dylans couch reference just then totally gets an h.j. on the house).

anyway, some folks and i were going to up to normana/sons of norway for some camping. i believe it was for bumberpoop, the annual 'fuck bumbershit' trip. and on the first night it was just margo, gordon, tracy (i think) and myself. we decided that we would all sleep in the trailer that first night since there were so few of us (and kirsten wasn't going to be up there yet, so gordon didn't need the trailer to hump in). long story short, after many, many, many beers gordon, margo and i ended up in a twin (maybe a double, but i don't think so) bed together, while margo and i yelled for gordon to 'PUT IT IN!'. we were talking about him putting the movie (teen wolf/b2f) into the tv/vcr combo, not peen2's in choon's. funny thing, i can't remember the rest of that night or where i even ended up sleeping, because i'm pretty sure it wasn't in the bed, though i can't say for certain. point of the story is that 'gordon, put it in' still isn't old.

you're welcome to tell me that was a stupid story. it's cool, i can handle it. but, really, it was pretty funny.

the picture also features some awesome shoelaces i got. you can't really tell, but they're red and black checked and that is coo. it's also the first time i've worn shoes in july, really it's probably been since mid-june (at least) since i've worn shoes and i thought i would celebrate occasion. this of course excludes tap shoes. and slutty heels....which i'm learning to walk in rather well, thankyouverymuch.

HAWT DOGG

2008-07-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

7.22.08 this is my niece, lily. i got her that hot dog costume. awesome, right? best.aunt.ever. she is being baptised next month and my brother sent me pics of her in her christening gown. after i saw those pictures, i called and asked him why they weren't baptising her in the hot dog, as that would be way more awesomer (yes, that's a word). my sister-in-law assured me that the hot dog was second choice. good enough for me.

i feel like a bit of a cheater not using the standard four and four (of real words) format, but i felt it necessary to get the hot dog picture out there for everyone to see. also, it says 'dogg' like snoop dogg and that's gangster.

SAIL BOAT

2008-07-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

7.21.08 sail boat. well, first and foremost at my birthday beach 'party'* this weekend at alki, i saw a lot of sail boats, which made me think of two things.

1. about 5 or 6 years ago, erin blairs dad took me, stacy, derek and some other folks sailing. this was very exciting because A. i could yell "i'm sailing" and mean it and 2. he let me drive the boat. my favorite memory of being on the sailboat was that we all had 'jobs' assigned to us. my job was if anyone fell overboard to point at them and keep pointing at them so that we wouldn't lose them in the sea. here's how the conversation went:

mr. blair: dana, your job is to point at anyone that falls overboard.

dana: and LAUGH!

mr. blair: no, dana, if someone falls overboard it is very serious. we don't want to be losing that person at sea.

dana: okay, sorry mr. blair, i won't laugh.

now, maybe you had to be there, but at the time, i thought my retort was hilarious, and the hilarity of it was further increased by mr. blair (the captain) not being at all amused by my joke.

secondly, my band mate, paul, lives on a sail boat and i think that is pretty rad. even if he doesn't know how to sail. he's learning, apparently, and once he gets that shit down i'm ready to go do some swashbuckling and pillaging/raping.

dana r. larkin

*the term 'party' should be taken very lightly. it was more so me sitting on the beach drinking malt liquor while various people came by to say happy birthday. thanks to those that showed love/brought me booze and wished me well: carrie, michelle, michelle, wayne, drew, nicholas, hitlary, ayden, marian, chloe, moe, aislinn, chris, lindy, guthrie, keifer, tracy, gordon, sam, stacy, graham, garry, noble, tara and i'm sure some others i'm forgetting. if YOU forgot, don't worry about it. i don't make a big deal over my birthday, therefore, you shouldn't either. but, really, fuck you.

AIDS PAYS

2008-07-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

7/18/08

i asked my art director, aislinn b. palmer, to take on the duties (haha, doody's) of explaining todays message, as she has a much better way with words than i do. and because she has AIDS.

dana r. larkin

Knuckles Deep cares about the issues, and today marks our first foray into politics: "AIDS PAYS." Not only is it a hilarious rhyme at the expense of those suffering from a deadly, incurable* disease, it's a barb in the heart of Big Pharm, who make millions of dollars off their pain. Fuck you, Pfizer.

*In a one-man study with no control group, owning movie theaters and being a former NBA star appears to cure AIDS. Unfortunately, most AIDS patients spend all their money on drug cocktails, leaving little left over for experimental theater ownership therapy.

Aislinn B. Palmer

Art Director

HEAD LICE

2008-07-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

7/17/08 when i was a kid, my mom told me to never use anyone else’s hair brush. well, one time, when i was 7, i did. and what was the result? head lice. i don’t really remember it being itchy or uncomfortable. i just remember the pain associated with that goddamn comb my mom had to use on my hair. totally aids.

also, aislinn and i tried a different marker this morning. one that was NOT a sharpie and was NOT supposed to be permanent. well, this pentel fine point marker has proven to be more difficult to wash off than sharpie. now, i will have the remnants of 'head lice' on my fingers all day. oh well.

TACO BELL

2008-07-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

7/16/2008

it's funny. i like nachos bel grande.

sam asked, why not 'taco time'. well, because taco time isn't as funny. taco time is a classy establishment. taco bell is just gross.

THUG LIFE

2008-07-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

'it was all a dream, i used to read word up magazine'.

yesterday (7/15) "juicy" by the notorious b.i.g. came on the radio, which prompted me to ask aislinn: who would you rather spend the day with: 2pac (aka makaveli, aka don kulluminati (all through your body, like a 12 gauge shotty)) or the notorious b.i.g.(aka biggie (smalls))? now this is assuming they were both still alive (yes tupac is dead, get over it, that's a whole different argument). she chose 2pac, i went with biggie.

anyway, that's why i decided to write 'thug life' on my knuckles.

i told aislinn that the "I" in life was supposed to be a bullet, but, she said if she tried to make it a bullet, it would just end up looking like a penis. fair enough.

well, hello.

2008-07-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

welcome to ‘knuckles deep’. i stole this title from my best friend ryan’s myspace page (it’s his headline). together with my art director, aislinn b. palmer, i hope to provide you with daily witticisms (on my knuckles, duh.) oh, and by daily, i mean monday through friday, unless i happen to see aislinn over the weekend. if you have any suggestions, or would like to send a message to that special someone, via my hands, just let me know.

thanks.

dana r. larkin